he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
