I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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