Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
