i would punch a child for taco bell
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
