did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize