Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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