I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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