he puts the penis in happiness.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
