Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
