got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
