Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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