oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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