Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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