im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
