she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
