she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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