i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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