some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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