I'm jealous of your bromance
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
