we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
How does one acquire holy water?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
