so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
