My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
