We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
