I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize