maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
