During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
