Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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