I wanna bring you to show and tell
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize