like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
