yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I need to stop coming to work sober
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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