I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
