I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
