i don't plan on having that self control this summer
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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