My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
please come you make the beer taste better
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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