Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
