Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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