Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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