im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
