You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
