my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
