I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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