That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
