im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
