it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
