I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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