Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
