My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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