i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
