I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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