Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
