Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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