Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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