i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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