Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
