It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
