dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My underwear smells like fireworks.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
