dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
