she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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