Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
