You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
