Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
