I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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