Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
