The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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