I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize