I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
