What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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