i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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