Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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