you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Randomize