i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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