If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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